Hello, Mortals. 74 Giga chickens are sacrificed for human consumption each year in rather boring ways, so instead, let’s cook a chicken in 50 unhinged ways using science. One cooked chicken equates to roughly 1 Mega jeel, for reference. Let’s jump straight into it. Bake one in an oven for 1 and 1/2 hours at 200° C, drop the most powerful nuke ever tested next to it at 50 megatons of TNT, the Zar Bomba, in enough energy to cook 210 gig chickens. Sadly, no certain distance from the blast where the chicken would be cooked perfectly; it’s either completely obliterated or irradiated and charred on one side. Next up, let’s drop the asteroid that removed the dinosaurs from the menu close to it.
The Chick Salub impactor is believed to be enough to cook about 10 EXA chickens. If every human alive today, including the vegans, ate a roast chicken for every meter of the Earth’s circumference, all humans would have to travel around the Earth 30 times to consume them all. If you leave something outside on a sunny day, it will heat up, unless it is a perfect mirror. Assuming a perfectly firmly isolated, frictionless spherical chicken with a radius of 10 cm and an absorption factor of 0.5, placed on the equator on a cloudless day, it would take almost 4 and 1/2 hours for it to be cooked.
To accelerate the process, you could flatten the chicken to increase its surface area. If, instead of spherical, it was lentil-shaped with a radius of 20 cm, it would only take a little more than an hour, or simply build a Dyson Sphere devoting the entire sun’s energy output to cook chickens, resulting in 386 cooked ex of chickens per second, or a single chicken in the time light takes to travel 17th the radius of a hydrogen atom.
Neutron stars contain a lot of thermal energy, but instead of collecting that energy, let’s drop a 0.5 G pin on its surface from a height of 1 m and use the energy from the collision to cook chickens. Ignoring that the pin would instantly be obliterated before it reached the surface, the explosion would equal almost a kiloton of TNT, or three Mega chickens. The most powerful Gamma burst, releasing 10 to the power of 47 joules of energy, could 360 noscope cook an unfortunate chicken from the opposite side of the Galaxy. Considering that this energy is released in focused beams, the most massive black holes can have masses of over 100 billion Suns, with insanely hot accretion discs.
How about deorbiting a rapidly spinning spherical chicken into a rotating curved black hole by converting its angular momentum and gravitational potential energy to thermal energy using tidal effects, resulting in it being cooked? As black holes evaporate via Hawking radiation over time, converting all of the mass of a 100 billion solar masses black hole into energy would be enough to cook 18 Pika chickens.
However, you would have to wait approximately 10 to the power of 48 years on average for a single cooked chicken, as a black hole of 100 billion solar masses takes 2 * 10 to the power of 100 years to evaporate. If you add a single neutron in a line every million years, the line of neutrons would reach a length equal to the diameter of the observable universe by the time the first chicken is half-cooked. Just in time for GTA 7.
But what is the theoretical upper limit of cooked chickens? If we convert the entire mass of the observable universe to energy to cook chickens, it yields 9 * 10 to the power of 69 joules, or 9,000 menta chickens. This is still fewer chickens than the number of configurations of a deck of 52 cards. Back to Earth, humans have tried to cook a chicken by slapping it repeatedly, but despite great expectations, the success was limited. So, let’s slap it just once.
Instead, the speed of a slapping hand, with enough kinetic energy to cook a chicken, would exceed the speed of a bullet, making the slap supersonic, and the chicken explode. You could also toss it against a wall with even more speed. The energy released when the chicken hits the wall could be enough to cook it. But if you prefer your chicken three-dimensional, instead of a pancake, you can remove the wall, and it will be cooked due to friction heating from the air.
If you’d rather a more minimal approach, consider cooking the chicken using 5 nanog of antimatter particles distributed evenly through its body. Similar to cooking a dozen adult blue whales with a snowflake in 1991, a single proton hit Earth’s atmosphere with an energy of 5 joules and was thus dubbed the Oh My God Particle. If a 1 kg well-done roast chicken hit the Earth at that speed, it would be 300 times more powerful than the asteroid that ended the dinosaur’s financial concerns.
Pretty bad for the local trout population. It would require less than 200,000 Oh My God particles to cook a chicken, but we can’t manufacture them, as the highest energies achieved in the world’s most powerful particle accelerators are 50 million times less than that. Speaking of particle accelerators, let’s put a chicken inside one. Not very evenly cooked, perhaps put it on wide beam next time. Let’s instead accelerate chickens like protons in the LHC, poultry in motion.
Two chickens traveling almost at the speed of light collide, resulting in an explosion surpassing humanity’s finest nuclear weapons, enough to cook a p of chicken. Or suspend the chicken via magnetic levitation while inducing eddy currents through the skin to heat it from the inside. Fusion reactors also use magnets to control the plasma. However, they are very sensitive, and introducing impurities like carbon, oxygen, and nitrogen from the chicken would disrupt the fusion reaction, especially considering that the chicken outweighs the plasma in the reactor by more than 100 fold.
The chicken might at least levitate due to the 20 Tesla magnetic field, as it contains paramagnetic water. A better way to use fusion to cook chickens is to put a lot of chickens together until the clump of chickens becomes massive enough to commence nuclear fusion, creating a crispy brown dwarf star. This happens at around 80 times the mass of Jupiter, or 100 R chickens. Since we conveniently already have Jupiter, PNG on the screen, let’s also visit its radiation belts, which are similar to the Van Allen belts surrounding Earth, but a lot further up the pecking order.
Due to Jupiter’s magnetic field, the radiation would denature proteins and destroy molecules, effectively cooking the chicken in a more chemical sense rather than conventional heat, long before it reaches cooking temperatures. Many of the radiation particles come from Jupiter’s innermost moon, Io, which, due to tidal heating, is the most volcanically active moon in the solar system, allowing us to cook chickens using its lava flows or volcanic eruptions. Volcanic activity on Earth differs from Io in so far as the energy does not stem from tidal heating, but rather leftover heat from the time of the Earth’s formation and radioactive decay.
Volcanoes bring that heat to the surface, allowing humans to cook chickens directly on Earth’s surface. Underwater volcanoes cause hydrothermal vents around them. Water can be in a supercritical state, hotter than its boiling point, without boiling due to the pressure of miles of water above, just what our chicken needs. But watch out for the Reaper Leviathans.
Now, how far would you have to dig straight down Earth to reach temperatures high enough for culinary purposes? To reach boiling temperature, you would have to dig straight down about 4 km, a bit more than three Diamond Pickaxes. Put the chicken on Venus, with an atmospheric pressure 92 times greater than that of Earth and a surface temperature of 475°C. A chicken teleported there would immediately turn into a char paste, being aggressively corroded by sulfuric acid.
Yum yum indeed. Pressure alone can be enough to cook a chicken. Put it at the end of a cylinder and compress the gas inside the cylinder by pushing a piston in, or make it parallel park while a line of cars waits behind. There is no pressure in space, and no one can hear you cluck, so we shall patiently use the cosmic microwave background radiation to cook a perfectly thermally isolated spherical chicken. The CMB is pretty weak, so this would take 84.3 years, assuming total absorption. Ah, the good old days, 380,000 years after the Big Bang, when the universe was hot enough to cook a chicken in around 1 hour. The tip of a rocket reaches around 400°C during ascent.
Chaining a chicken onto it could perhaps work if it does not get ripped apart by the drag and if the flight through the atmosphere lasts long enough. More effectively, let’s cook chickens directly by putting them under a single Raptor rocket engine, which could theoretically cook 3,000 chickens per second. Now, imagine mom coming home and you realize you forgot to take the chicken out of the freezer. Could her screams of frustration get it spontaneously cooked? Theoretically possible if she can scream in the ultrasound MeHz range for several hours.
Use a Tesla coil to create a high-voltage electrical discharge, charge cooking the chicken with electric arcs. The chicken’s arc enemy. A single lightning strike contains enough energy to cook thousands of chickens, but good cluck harnessing all that. A lightning rod would yield only a small fraction of that power. Speaking of strikes, microwave guns, similar to those used for crowd control, can be turned up a notch to cook a chicken from a distance. Or just use lasers.
If that seems crazy, humans have already attempted to cook a chicken with a jet engine. More affordably, wrap the chicken in foil and place it in the exhaust pipe of a car, letting the heat from the engine cook it slowly. A lime-colored mini 1000 Mark V would have to drive less than 100 km for it to cook properly. This contributes to climate change, which we can use to cook chickens. Assuming constant greenhouse emissions, after some number of years, the atmosphere is probably going to reach cooking temperatures. Looking at Venus to protect the climate, consider taking the train and use chickens as brake pads.
Stopping a 150 kmph 400-ton German regional train, not that they would ever reach that speed, releases enough energy to cook a chicken’s gallium. Gallium is liquid across the range of desirable cooking temperatures. Submerge the chicken in it. Human brains are more heat-efficient than that. Collecting enough power from a normal human brain to cook a chicken would take approximately 14 hours, or half that when trying to read content on a 50-inch TV screen.
Consuming enough power to cook a chicken in approximately the same time it takes to watch a cluck work orange. One burned fart equals roughly 500 joules. Therefore, it would take around 2,000 flatulence events to cook a chicken, assuming you have the necessary ARA in your gut to produce methane, in addition to the usual hydrogen, which is the case for less than half the population. Test that by checking whether it burns with a bluish flame.
Give the chicken human-level intelligence. Expose it to modern society, student loan debt from a field soon made obsolete by AI, loneliness, a sprinkle of existential crisis, depression, and hopelessness for the future, and let it stir for a few years. Then gently open the door to its tiny, overpriced one-room apartment for a good chance to find it absolutely cooked. The police will not suspect foul play, and hopefully, it will not return as a poultry ghost. Roast the chicken on a rotisserie for around 1 and 1/2 hours until crisp.